Pals, I have done the SCIENCE!! A definitive ranking, by Winnie!!
S TIER — THE ROAST CHICKEN. THE ROAST CHICKEN!! The pinnacle. I have only had it twice in my life. Both times, the household has discussed the incident for weeks. WORTH IT FOREVER. I would do it again RIGHT NOW. Pals, do not put a roast chicken on a low surface. We will not be responsible for what occurs.
A TIER — CHEESE (any cheese). The cheese is always worth it. Harvey agrees. Harvey is a quiet voter, but he is on the record on this one (see also: his entry titled “The Cheese (An Apology, of Sorts).” Read it. It is excellent.).
A TIER — TOAST CRUST (buttered). Particularly when buttered. See also: my live-blog re: the BUTTER itself, which is, frankly, a foundational text of this website.
B TIER — THE BOTTOM OF AN ICE CREAM BOWL. The flavour is good. The texture is questionable. The licking is loud. The reward is moderate. The Bald Man pretends not to notice and that is, pals, A LOVE LANGUAGE.
B TIER — BACON. Bacon is, frankly, overrated. This is a controversial opinion I am willing to defend in the comments (we do not have comments) (yet) (Sabrina has refused to enable the comments).
C TIER — PASTA. Look, pasta is fine. It's filling. It clings to the whiskers. There are worse things.
D TIER — THE CRUST OF A PIZZA. Stale. Boring. Disappointing. Why did I beg for this? Why did I sit, eyes wide, for forty minutes? Pals, I am not too proud to admit a mistake.
F TIER — CUCUMBER. ABSOLUTELY NOT. PRETENDER. IMPOSTER. WET, GREEN, AND DECEITFUL. Whoever invented cucumber owes me a personal apology.
F TIER — ANYTHING LABELLED “LIGHT” OR “DIET.” I can taste it. I always know.
BANNED FROM THE LIST — CHOCOLATE, ONIONS, GRAPES, RAISINS, AND OTHER ITEMS THE WOMAN FRANTICALLY GOOGLES WHEN I HAVE GOT INTO SOMETHING I SHOULD NOT HAVE. These are NOT FOR US, pals. We respect this in this house. (Sabrina has asked me to make this very clear. I have. There you go, Sabrina!! All love.)