An OPEN LETTER, from Winnie, to a person or persons unknown.
To whom it may concern,
Pals, the door of the upstairs bedroom is, at certain hours of the night, BEING CLOSED. I do not know who is doing this. I have my suspicions. I am, at the time of writing, still gathering EVIDENCE.
The closing of this door represents an EXISTENTIAL AFFRONT. The bedroom contains the following critical assets: the Woman, the Bald Man, the BIG BED, the warm rectangle of moonlight on the carpet at approximately 03:15, and approximately 18% of all the smells I am currently tracking. To be excluded from this room is to be excluded from THE HEART OF OPERATIONS.
I have tried, in good faith, several remedies, which I now report as a public service for any pals facing similar treatment.
Remedy one: the scratching. The scratching has, I am told, been described in family meetings as “a problem.” Pals, with respect: it is not the scratching that is the problem.
Remedy two: sitting outside the door at silent vigil, eyes wide, ready. This works approximately 40% of the time. Sometimes the Bald Man opens the door, scoops me up, deposits me in the BIG BED, and we are reunited and order is restored. Sometimes he says, “Winnie. Bed,” in the voice that means MY bed. The voice is firm. The voice is, also, full of love. I take what I can.
Remedy three: Harvey. I have asked Harvey to weigh in on this matter. Harvey says he prefers his bed in the front room because it is “quieter and closer to the porch” and he “wakes up early to look at things.” Harvey is no help to the cause. Harvey, frankly, is part of the problem.
Remedy four: Sabrina. Sabrina has refused to comment except to say, “Mmh,” which I am taking as solidarity. (She is, at this hour, asleep on the rug. I am taking it as solidarity anyway.)
I am submitting this open letter for the record. I do not expect it to change anything. I expect it to make a NOISE about the matter, which is, in many ways, my chief function in this household.
Yours in OPEN GRIEVANCE and abiding LOVE,
Winnie
(Editor at Large)
(the Princess)
(the SUPER-cardigan)