PALS!! I have a STATEMENT!! Multiple statements!! Here we go!!
Earlier today I ate a candle.
It was a small candle. It was on the windowsill, which I have, after months of training, learned to reach by the application of GREAT EFFORT and ONE STRATEGIC OTTOMAN. It was beeswax, which is, technically, food, in that bees made it, which means it is a NATURAL product, which means it is, by rights, mine.
I would like to address the rumour that I also chewed up the wick. I will not deny it. The wick was, frankly, the best part. It had a structural quality. It had ROUGHAGE.
The Woman noticed at approximately 16:00. She did the gasp. She did THE GASP, pals, the one that means a household event has occurred. She ran for her phone. She typed the words “is beeswax toxic to dogs” into the search bar twice in a row, which is the most dedicated attention I have received this week, and I would like to thank her sincerely for it.
The internet said: it is, actually, fine. The Bald Man said: of course it is. He laughed. The law of the house held once again. I have logged this in the running tally of times the law of the house has held, which I will at some point publish as an annual report (Sabrina has volunteered to fact-check it; I am thinking about it).
I am writing this from beneath the kitchen table, where I am required to remain, for unspecified reasons, until “the situation passes.” I do not know what this means. I do not need to. I have a small piece of wax in my whiskers, which I am saving for later, and I am, on the whole, content.
UPDATE!! Harvey has come over to sit with me beneath the table, in solidarity, which is the SWEETEST thing he has ever done. He smells faintly of leaves. We are co-existing in this small space and I love him. PALS, I LOVE MY BROTHER!!